So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
there is puke in my bra ... again
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