next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
