He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
