Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
