The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
