I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
