I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
