I cannot find my penis.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
