You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
