this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
