went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
