It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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