i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
