i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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