don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
