i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Your penis caused this!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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