I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
