Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
