my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
