you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
