i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
