Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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