last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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