i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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