you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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