Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
