Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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