I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
