I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She even gives head with a lisp.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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