Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Someone shattered a urinal.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
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