I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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