At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
