take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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