I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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