can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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