I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
