I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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