plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
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You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
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You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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