I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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