So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
