Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
