The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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