did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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