I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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