No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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