You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
