i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
