Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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