she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
