I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Houston, we have a squirter
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
