Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
