Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
