just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
