I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
